We’ve been asked before if our new Pres­i­dent, Barack Obama, is a client of our pills. But, because we pledge to keep our client’s record absolutely secret, we can’t say one way or the other.

How­ever, we can say that many of the qual­i­ties peo­ple see in Pres­i­dent Obama are the kinds of per­son­al­ity traits that tak­ing a penis reduc­ing placebo might help to enhance — the super­nat­ural, inner calm; the supreme con­fi­dence it enables those tak­ing them to exude, and an absolute cool­ness that emanates from every pore — all may be strength­ened by those who take our North American-made, penis reduc­ing place­bos every day. Some­times twice a day, even.

Will your pills work for me?

Very likely not, since they are place­bos and have no known phar­ma­co­log­i­cal effects.  I’d sug­gest you speak with your physi­cian, and per­haps visit a local or online sup­port group.

At present, we have been unable to con any actual celebri­ties into endors­ing, or even admit­ting to using, our prod­ucts.  How­ever, we are actively pur­su­ing sev­eral “D” and below list celebri­ties in an attempt to lend some cred­i­bil­ity to our placebo prod­uct.  Should any con­sent to the use of their name or like­ness then we’ll gladly change the generic clip art image to the left into one of an actual celebrity and send out a mul­ti­tude of press releases.

No. They’re candy. Sweet, tart candy, in fact. It’s unlikely that there are any herbs in them at all, save per­haps for some trace amounts left over from what­ever was made in the con­tainer before them. Even if they were herbal, they’d be herbal place­bos, and when you say “herbal placebo” you’re often just repeat­ing yourself.

Are these safe to eat if I’m a veg­e­tar­ian or vegan?

Yes, as far as we know there is no rea­son that you couldn’t eat these even if you eschew all ani­mal or animal-connected prod­ucts.  If you’re against plant vio­lence, well, then I can tell you that the dex­trose and car­nauba wax were both extracted rather vio­lently from plants.

Now, that said, keep in mind that these are place­bos, and it’s unlikely whether you’ll expe­ri­ence any effect at all from con­sum­ing them, so you’re free to order the prod­uct and never open the bot­tle.  Or, if you’re on some­thing like the Atkins diet, order away and then dump out the place­bos and replace the con­tents of the bot­tle with bacon bits, and take a hand­ful three times a day, or whatever.

Our ingre­di­ents in our orig­i­nal, spher­i­cal pills: Dex­trose, Cit­ric Acid, Cal­cium, Stearate, Tapi­oca Dex­trin, Confectioner’s Glaze, Car­nauba Wax, Arti­fi­cial Fla­vors & Col­ors (includ­ing FD&C Red 40Lake, Blue 1Lake, Yel­low 5Lake, Red 40, Blue 1, Yel­low 5) Man­u­fac­tured by Con­cord Con­fec­tions, Inc.  Con­cord, Ontario. L4K3N1.

And, our new “penis-shaped” pills: dex­trose, mal­todex­trin, arti­fi­cial fla­vors, cal­cium stearate, resinous glaze, tapi­oca, dex­trin, car­nauba wax, col­ors (includ­ing yel­low 5&6, red 40, blue 1).